the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
