Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
