I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
