He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
