John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
