she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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