Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
