he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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