i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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