Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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