If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
