new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude i'm inner monologue high
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize