I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
