I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
