So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
