Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.