How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
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No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
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I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.