i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
