Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
