Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
