More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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