You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
