I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
