During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
