man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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