i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
