Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
