You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
