This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm too high and old for this...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
