I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
