had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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