His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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