I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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