You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
