My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He shit in the fireplace
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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