I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
