i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
