I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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