Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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