Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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