I can tuck mytits in my pants
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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