just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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