My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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