she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
