I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
