life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
