i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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