Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
