Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
