ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
