I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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