Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
