i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
