Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
