They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
