: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
