so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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